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| ©Photography courtesy of Ana Tabatadze |
I identify as a queer man, I enjoy the company of men, I wear make up, I portray myself as a fun and loving person. These are a just a few facts about me.
Another fact about me is that I don’t find sex all that pleasurable but I do not identify as asexual. This tends to confuse a lot of people, and don’t get me wrong I believe sex is fun and I am a big advocate of it. What I am tired of though is men (in my case) becoming instantaneously disinterested in me when I tell them I don’t find sex pleasurable. I have had several occasions where my honesty has led men to just avoid talking to me again or quit pursuing me; instead of wanting to explore pleasures outside of the ‘normalised’ conceptions of what is and isn’t sex. This is quite a hard a topic to articulate because sexuality is so complex. I feel that in the LGBT+ community a percentage are not open to continue pursuing someone like myself. It is either too much effort or they don’t have the time to learn about something that is not black and white. As I said before, I do not identify as asexual, I experience physical and sexual attraction. Asexuality is the lack of desire for sex and/or sexual attraction, which is a totally valid orientation but I will delve into that topic at a later date.
This article is for people like me, who may think that they are ‘weird’ for not finding the physical act of sex pleasurable. You are not weird. Sex is not a prerequisite for being LGBT+ oriented. You may say to yourself, “I fantasise about sex but when it comes to the act of it I don’t feel the pleasure as strong as I do when I am fantasising by myself.” My advice to you is to focus on what your fantasies revolve around, is there a particular scenario you usually fantasise about? What aspects of sex do you enjoy if not the physicality behind it? For example, I enjoy the mentality of power and control. That’s what makes me feel pleasure: the thought process behind sex. Recently I’ve been playing with the intensity of that concept and I have to say it has made the whole act a lot more enjoyable. Do not be afraid to explore your fetishes as long as they do not affect another person in a negative way. The most important thing to discovering pleasure, (after yourself of course) is the person you are sharing your sexual experiences with, it is important to find someone who you can trust and explore your sexuality with. This is not synonymous for an exclusive partner/relationship but just someone trustworthy. The time will come where someone understanding will come along, but the best thing you can do is be upfront. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to something you won’t find pleasurable even if you like that person. Just explain to them that you maybe want to explore something that is not the vanilla sorts of sex. Try to utilise and deprive yourself of different senses you never know what might flick the switch. In my opinion the act of being a great lover is to be completely selfish but also selfless. All I can advise you to do is to explore, keep trying new things.
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©Nobuyoshi Araki courtesy of Michael Hoppen Gallery / Taka Ishii Gallery.
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I guess the message I am trying to get across is that not everyone is physically stimulated as easily as others, which is fine. An aspect of sex that I enjoy thoroughly is discovering a persons body. Someone has decided to let you see all of them, allowed you to touch all of them. I am a very sensual person, I think this one of the most exciting parts of engaging with someone in these activities. I find bodies so beautiful and it stimulates me. Then again on a different scale, I personally find the objectification of my body very stimulating, for example; when someone looks at me like a menu rather than a person. However, That comes back to the power and control complex that I have. Whomever is reading this article may have a different complex to me and I suggest you look into it. I used to just put those thoughts at the back of my mind because I thought that was not reality. However, the real reality is that I was suppressing myself, which stems from the idea of submissiveness being shameful but now I find submissiveness just as empowering as being dominant and I am going to continue to explore both my submissive and dominant sides. Again, whomever reading this may just have one side, or both, or none. I still think it is important to explore and if you’re not as stimulated by physical interaction then I believe you should focus on the mentality of sex.
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| ©Photography courtesy of Pedro Rivas |
What does it matter if you don’t find the ‘basic fundamentals’ of sex pleasurable? So what? There is literally so much to explore. Maybe you never considered it? Maybe you thought you were doomed to a life of unsatisfactory sex. But the truth is, you haven’t discovered how your brain gets stimulated and that is fine. It takes time, you may encounter the occasional asshole who will dismiss you and your feelings. They’re the close minded ones if they think the only way to obtain pleasure is via penetration. When you find the right person to share your experiences with you will find yourself in a much happier place.
I hope my words are of some assistance to those of you who were in a similar situation to myself.
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